Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
