I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
whose parrot is this?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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