We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
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You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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