Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
