Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
