im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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