Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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