I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
