Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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