just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
