That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
