he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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