We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
