The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I deserve this hangover.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
