I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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