Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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