I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
