I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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