Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
