What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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