don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
