this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
