so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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