god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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