sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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