i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
