Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
