I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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