Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i now understand why vodka
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
