the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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