Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
