They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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