Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
