I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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