I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
