Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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