quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
