i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
