I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I am spending my child support on dildos
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
