I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
