So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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