it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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