My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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