you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
