I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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