im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
