he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
