I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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