You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
