i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
