"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
