NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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