I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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