I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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