dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
