I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
