Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
