Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
