Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
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I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
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I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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